Case Report: Teenage Wasteland By Deborah Joy PhD
Case Report: Teenage Wasteland
By Deborah Joy PhD
To do philosophy one has to play a hunch, not suppose that the accursed problems are answered on columns on a bus schedule. - Andrew Wengraf
A young man in his thirties came in. He had a good life: He was in love with his wife, they had a good sexual relationship, one young child; the thrill of looking forward to another. Both had good jobs they felt were rewarding personally and financially. They were establishing close friendships with others.
Previously in his life, well, mom and dad had not been good about sexual education and not helpful when he was bullied and isolated at school, and were kind of controlling and intrusive when he struggled to learn.
He got on the internet to learn about sex, at age 14, and that led to him having sexual conversations with people online. And that led to a man showing up at his home and molesting him. He told no one. Then, much to his shame, surprise and horror, one day the police were there. Someone had reported the perpetrator, and the whole story came out to his parents that day.
He went back to more internet sex soon after that, and ever since. He thought he just couldn’t stop. And he said he was highly motivated to stop because he didn’t want to lose or ruin his marriage. He tried all kinds of tricks to stop, but nothing worked.
I talked to several very good therapists who are friends of mine about this case. The first spoke about attachment styles between the young man and his wife, and how it would be important to tell him the therapy would be deep, slow and long term; that he would need to hang in there - change is slow.
The second therapist said, “Deborah, there is no way you can do this in individual therapy. He actually needs a group. There’s an addiction issue, and there’s no way to deal with it in individual therapy. Here’s the 12 Step books. You might want to look at them “.
Then I spoke with Eric Greenleaf. He said to me, “Wait a minute, he’s not really addicted. His sexuality is stuck at age fourteen and he had failed attempts to deal with his adolescence. He really needs to get to know the woman he married, and that he’s not an addict; he’s a teenager. And he got stuck at 14 years old, like playing a video 10,000 times.”
We also talked about how he didn’t have his own experience of the molestation, that no one close to him had talked with him, given him safe harbor, comforted him with love in his fear, hurt and shame.
Once I had that structure to work with, all of a sudden things started to go so well. He really related to wanting to develop a mature relationship with his wife, pay more attention to her experience, to her needs, how she likes to be flirted with, what satisfies her, what’s good for her.
It absolutely turned things around for him. We did do some more minor things where there were danger zones - when he would be in the car for a long time on a trip we decided he would leave his phone in the car so he wouldn’t be tempted when he stopped for a rest room. He’s changed tremendously and his relationship with his wife is growing by leaps and bounds. He is just beginning to have the space to talk about other problems in his own life. He expressed relief to be able to do so. It’s been really amazing to see him grow up.
Commentary
By Eric Greenleaf, PhD
Dr. Deborah Joy’s compassion for and connection with the patient’s life experience are expressed in tone and emotional attention. I know this from long association with her. She works with those who suffer dometic violence, and teaches hypnosis. The relational presence she offers people is hard to capture in text. Still, we all know by research findings and force of experience that it is the relationship that heals in therapy, not the method.
With a therapist with those human skills, a consultant should invoke a human method of appraisal and suggestion with her patient. Not the emotional distance of the language of diagnosis and methods of treatment, rather the common language of growing up; of love, learning, family, desire.
Dr Erickson contextualized difficulties in living as part of the normal developmental life cycle. Instead of analyzing a difficulty, he focused on the next action to be taken in that person’s life trajectory.
To resolve the dissociation of post-traumatic life, where the awful actions and feelings both attract and limit a young person’s exploration and growth, it seemed to both of us, and was confirmed by the young patient and his wife as well, that someone in loco parentis could guide him to the next stage of learning life’s ways with relationship, love and change.
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